Monday, August 30, 2010

Thank you, Walgreens, for not calling the popo.

I have a very large addiction to the sleeping pill, Ambien. When I take Ambien I am a generally nicer person, I sleep harder, and I don't remember getting up and getting ready in the morning. Or driving my children to school. But that's my fault for taking it entirely too late in the evening. If I take it early in the evening, when I am supposed to, then I will eat an entire box of oatmeal creme pies, rape my husband repeatedly, and budget my income for the next 7-25 years. This is why I take it right before I actually close my eyes, bitch at husband about something, and take deep breaths to go to sleepytown.

I recently decided to try to kick the Ambien habit. I started by taking a muscle relaxer of my husband's. Husband takes enough muscle relaxers and pain killers on a regular basis to take down a brontasaurus. I took one because my muscles hurt from sitting on a stool in my lab class, and promptly 13 minutes later was drooling onto a book I was attempting to read my 6 year old while he nudged me with scared voice until he got Daddy to rescue him from the scary sloth mom drooling onto Brother Berenstein's face. I went to bed at 8:17 that night. Woke up the next day feeling like I'd been kicked in the face by a semi-truck after a night of drinking and dancing inappropriately. Muscle Relaxers aren't for the weak, that's fo sho.

My next night I opted for over-the-counter Unisom. Unisom worked about as well as a glass of water and a compliment. Seriously. I lay there for over an hour and woke up every 2 to 3 hours worrying about something. I tried 2 unisom the next night, and it worked about as well as 2 compliments, meaning I woke up maybe one less time worrying about something. The third night I added a benadryl, which worked worse than the unisom by itself. Because by this time I had gone 3 nights without a solid night's sleep and I needed a lot more than 3 compliments to be able to fall asleep.

So last night, it was almost 10:30 pm and husband and I were deep into an episode of "Ochocinco, the Ultimate Catch" and I start thinking about Ambien. I feel awful for just giving him up like we hadn't built a strong relationship over the past 17 months. 17 months is longer than my marriage for God's sake so shouldn't I give it my biggest and best efforts to cherish our deep connection? I convinced myself we were meant for each other and got up to put my clothes on, informing husband I was going to the pharmacy for Ambien. He said "Don't be so dramatic, i'll just give you some compliments". Just kidding.

It's 10:30 at night and I am making the 3.5 mile drive to the 24 hour Walgreens nearest my home. I am listening to Magic After Dark which tells me to slow doooowwwn and looovvee soooomeone. As I pull up to the Walgreens Drive-thru I see the second lane is consumed by an upside down shopping cart in the middle of the lane. Clearly, this is an indication that the lane is closed. But I consider myself far too hilarious to accept such a blatant statement. I pull up to the shopping cart very, very slowly to where the front of my Benz is pushing the cart. I push it through the lane then push the button to talk to the girl who has walked over to the window and is staring at me, expressionless. I said "Oops, there was a shopping cart here! How weird that it landed upside down in the middle of a lane?!!!! No problem here though, I moved it out the way for ya. Weird, huh?!" Expecting her to look at me like I was the poorest excuse for a functioning member of society she had ever seen. But she didn't even look at me like I was stupid or ridiculous. She just hung up the phone and walked away. I was one million times disappointed because I was trying to crack myself up and she was an ugly loser who didn't think I was funny.

I pulled back in to the first lane and she walked back over and didn't say anything about what had just transpired.

Lame Pharmacy Technician: Hi, how can I help you?

Hilarious Mary: Yeah, what was that shopping cart doing in the lane?

LPT: The lanes closed and broken

HM: Yeah, I know. I was just kidding.

LPT: Oh. Did you have a perscription to pick up or drop off?

HM: Um yes, but hellllllloooooo! I did that purely to make you laugh!

LPT: Oh, what's the last name?

HM: Brown. You suck.

LPT: For Ambien? Your savings card expired but you don't have to fill out the card you can do it next time.

HM: Why, are you scared of me?

LPT: No, you can fill it out now if you want to. Your hair is black in your ID.

HM: I KNOW! I had this, like, CRAZY random idea to dye my hair black! Pretty much everybody hated it but me but I was like, you know wha-

LPT: No, I just needed to make sure the ID was you.

HM: Um okay, do you hate me?

LPT: No, why?

HM: I need 3 ambien. Goodnight.