Friday, November 5, 2010

Sometimes a girl just needs to inappropriately rub an 11 year old boy's tricep....

Those who have known me for a while know one thing I will not tolerate is bullying.

Unless I am the subject of the bullying and remarks are being made of my bowl cut and Mickey Mouse sweater. Bullying is pretty appropriate when it's done in that sense.

I have very vivid memories of standing up for people when other better-looking, more financially well-to do, less smelly, knows more about middle school-sex people were giving them a hard time. Phrases like "nerd", "ugly", "poor", and "bowl cut mickey mouse showtunes-singing loser" made/make my blood boil to the point that I'd rip the head off of a baby seal if it was the only nearby weapon.

I always root for the underdog. I have urges to go on dates with any human that asks me. I shouldn't even say human because I can guarantee if a little smelly homeless poodle hobbled up to my porch and wanted to take me out, I'd take a shot of vodka and make the best of it. Unless it was a cat. A smelly homeless cat would get thrown in a gas chamber and kicked in the face. Cats suck. Even more than bullies.

I decided that I wanted to buy a bike trailer for Ellis. Then I could ride my bike and hook her on to the back. I decided this about 14 minutes before I left work one pretty bike-riding weather kind of day and knew I had to stop at Wal-Mart on my way home.

I was having trouble finding the trailer. I had called ahead to make sure it was there, but believe it or not wal-mart employees sometimes don't go above and beyond on their customer-service duties. I am walking round and round the bikes, scooter, and barbie jeep area for about 7 minutes when I notice two boys staring at me, or more specifically, my rack. They are middle-school age...probably 11 or 12. One of them is clearly cooler than the other; taller, skinny jeans, Bieber-hair, you get it. The other is short, chubby, wearing a sweatshirt even though it's 90 degrees and looks like he hasn't washed his hair since his Mom realized he wasn't cute anymore. Which usually happens around 8 or 9. Anyways. They were nudging each other, giggling, and following me around. I ignored them, but sucked in a little for their viewing pleasure.

I had the feeling the cool kid only hung out with the other kid because he wanted to amplify his own coolness. I don't abide by this law. I prefer to surround myself with hot girls. Because hot girls And are generally more fun and train-wreckish.

I am walking around, pulling through huge boxes of little red wagons and over-priced kick scooters. They're right in front of me, pretending to be looking at hula hoops. When I turn to check another part of the aisle, cool kid pushes fat kid into me/hula hoop pile then yells "OHHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY YOU FALLING!?" then looks at me like he thinks this is going to get me into his Nickelback- themed twin bed.

I start to help the chubby kid pick up the hula hoops, while his demon friend just laughs and makes fun of him. This is when I had one of my blood boiling, will rip the head off an adorable helpless sea-creature moment.

While lifting up the last hula hoop, I lean over onto the little chubby virgin boy letting my hand linger on the back of his arm and whisper in the best sex-voice operator voice I can muster "mmm I like your shirt". I may as well of asked me to give me a breast-exam, by the level of uncomfortableness that was radiating from him.

But his cool friend in the skinny jeans looked like someone told him his mom was getting divorced again and her new boyfriend planned on punching him in the kidney.(I say this because clearly this little asshole has self-esteem and Daddy issues). I've never seen a cool boy look so confused and regretful before. Regret is an ugly emotion for you, little bully who will probably end up working at Long John Silvers.

I know this is on camera at Wal-Mart and I pray I don't get arrested. Bullying is an epidemic that is spreading like wildfire. I don't care how many boys I have to touch. I don't care if I have the rub the triceps of EVERY BOY in the state, this has to be stopped.