Monday, January 31, 2011


In all things inappropriate, I suppose everyone is expecting me to give embarrassing details about husband and I's inappropriateness on our anniversary. But I won't. Just know it involves a lot of Fourth of July decorations and Olsen Twins movies.

One year ago today, I married Mat Brown. Before that, he was my fiance, before that he was my boyfriend, and before that he was the boy at the pool staring at my boobs and making inappropriate jokes for someone trying to land Mary Flowers.

Here are some favorite things about my life with Mr. Mat with one T.

1. He always knows the weather for the next 2 weeks, even if it's completely uneventful. I can be planning a lunch date for next Sunday and he'll say "Be careful driving to 63rd street. There's an arid north warm front caused by the cumulonimbus in Denver. It's causing the pollen to accumulate". This is when I try my damdest to act as uninterested as possible but to no prevail he will start drawing me a map or pulling up a video on his phone. This could be good, but because he believes he understands the weather so perfectly, he has no fear of it. Flashback to the tornadoes of last summer, he's on hole 16 at Twin Hills while I have every being in the closet, surrounded by pillows, blankets, both my kids in helmets, and he's calling me on the phone saying "It's fine, I can make it to the last hole! F-4 tornadoes in a southwesterly direction means it'll hit the course in 12 minutes. I'm fine!"

3. The man has no filter. When I'm on the receiving end of this, it gets him in trouble. But when it's someone else who has stepped out of line I get to giggle at his ridiculousness...enter into evidence July of 2008 when we're walking through Target on a nice Sunday afternoon. Mat snaps his fingers in front of a man's face and says "WHAT?! THEY'RE JUST BOOBS. EVERYBODY'S GOT EM!" I had no idea what was even going on but I immediately turned purple and we had to leave. But we will always remember this.

4. He works very hard to make sure we have the nicest things possible. I have even had to refrain from saying I want something, because I know he will imediately take on a 2nd job to make sure I have it. Even if it's something ridiculous. I could say "I have been really considering buying myself a gold-plated Gucci submarine full of Alpacas" and he'd make a spreadsheet to figure out how we could make it work.

5. He loves our kids more than any other man has ever loved their kids. Including your dad. or You, yourself to your own children. If anyone dares disagree with this, I am sure, again, Mat could come up with a spreadsheet to prove this. But there's none needed.

Happy Anniversary. I am confident we will have many more. As long as you let me get a puppy AND you don't kick it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Dear 150. I am going to drink unmentionables until I make you 120.

I have found out we will be going to beautiful Caneel Bay, St. John in approximately 7 weeks. This is from Mercedes Benz of Oklahoma City as a "Sorry for working your husband like an Orc from Lord of the Rings" trip. Body AIN'T so banging since I thought I still had 5 more months until bikinis. I thought to myself, "Medium-sized mother of two but really wants to be hot- self, what can we do to get ourselves in order to make everyone hate us when we're in the Caribbean?"

Then I came to my answer. I am going to drink pregnant women pee 3 times a day until I lose 30 lbs. It's called HCG, which stands for Happy Caribbean Girl who weighs 120. It's a hormone that pregnant women make that supposedly burns a ton of calories and when matched with a 500 calorie per day diet results in weight loss of 1 to 2 lbs per day.

The first 2 days you get to binge eat. I don't really understand the purpose of this, but I went ahead and went with it with cookies and chips and queso. Chips and queso is my weeeaaaakkkknesss. It's so delicious and fun to eat. It's like a party in your kitchen...even if it's 11 o clock and you're in a sports bra and you have a snowflake blanket wrapped around you and your husband is mad at you for watching TV too loud when he's trying to sleep (so he can get up early and drink protein shakes and build up man muscles for said trip.) Also, if you're ever broken up with or have to go to a pentecostal church...I find perfect companionship in McDonalds chocolate chip cookies. They taste like your Great Aunt made them in 1965 and they're 3 for a dollar. Not to mention the fact your binge can take place in your car since you don't have to walk inside.

Basically, you put these drops under your tongue that taste like a mixture of pee, newborn babies, 6 dollar vodka, and 2005 (for was a bad year). Then you get to eat a small piece of meat and an apple twice a day...and 2 pieces of Melba toast that you get to delightfully munch on. I know this diet works. I know it's not healthy, but I'm going for hot...not healthy. I did it in June and lasted a week and lost 8lbs! Then I ate 6 sugar cookies at work while spinning around in a circle and singing show tunes. After that I was pretty much off the wagon.

I will keep everyone advised of my hotnessity.

Friday, January 7, 2011

What happens in West Virginia, stays in West Virginia.

I just want to start today by professing my hatred for the phrase "what happens in blankety blank, stays in blankety blank" This was a phrase that started just for Vegas, by prostitutes and club promoters. But now everyone uses it, and it makes me want to chew on exposed electrical wires. I saw on someone's Facebook page the other day, "What happens in West Virginia STAYS in West Virginia". Sorry boutcha, lame-ass, but I don't think your friends will care that you visited your Aunt Helen over Christmas break and you all sat at the bar at Applebees until 10 minutes before they closed. You can probably bring it home with you and everybody you know would be like, "You did...what? in where? West Virginia?....................who gives a shit? Pass me a snickers bar."

I saw these shoes on my favorite website, which specializes in clothes that look funky and different and cute, but were made with paper towels and will fall apart the first time you try to change your mom/banker/frumptastic image and wear something emo.

Here is what I imagined the creators of this masterpiece discussing the day before they were distributed.

Cute emo girl with half curly hair and blue glasses: These are done, Gerald. What do you think?

Gerald: I think they're beautiful. I love the color, the half-red heel, and and the adorable tie in the front. But I feel like it's missing something. That open area for the top of the foot is missing something.

Emo: I don't know what you mean. I don't want to add too much, you know?

Gerald: Listen Pandora, I am the executive of the shoe department and you'll damn well listen to what I have to say. Now. I am thinking a giant flap of pinkish red fabric that looks like a giant saggy vagina would be a perfect addition to the front and top of this shoe.

Emo: Maybe it would represent the heartache and misrepresentation of the modern fem-

Gerald: I don't give a donkey's ass about your women's sufferage poetry. I just want the shoe to look it was dipped in vagina-land. No, not that fabric. It needs to be more dark pink. No, that's not enough fabric, I want it to be giant and saggy looking. Okay, good job Pandora. You get to stay another day.