Tuesday, November 29, 2011

All I want for Christmas is a lot.

*Warning. This is not a funny blog at all. This is seriously a list of stuff I selfishly want all up in my arms for Christmas.

1. A white iPhone case.

They don't make these on every swinging street corner. My boss/friend bought two multi-colored cases, then took out the white chunks and put it back together to resemble a white case. I found one yesterday, and it's only 149.99! Yay! It better make sweet love to me and not break when I drop it in a bucket of stagnant water.

2. This bag speaks for itself. Why does everything I like have to come from somewhere other than Goodwill?

3. A camera with a bunch of unneccessary shit on it. Like this.

4. This. Because I googled "Most expensive eye cream in the history of the world" and I think this shit would make me pretty.

5. A puppy. Always. Take your pick.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I'm so rich and tired.

I have been feeling uninspired lately in the blogger world. Probably because I have been kicking ass and taking names at my real job that gives me money and purpose and a reason to put on mascara.

I was reluctant to share this story because I don't want anyone to think I am a drug addict, a drug abuser, or really really fucking stupid. Mama just has trouble sleeping because I can't stop thinking about important things like new ways to do my hair or how long it's going to take to get an under eye wrinkle on the left side of my face to match the right side.

I got to the point where Ambien was only helping me sleep until about 3 AM, at which point I would get up, eat a bunch of pop tarts, and think my life sucks when it clearly doesn't.

I told my doctor my concerns and he decided to have me try a medicine called Trazodone.

Trazadone sucks.

I took one at bedtime like a good mother/banker and laid there massaging my own thumbs and worrying about homeless dogs and the permanent marker on Adrian's neck.

Two hours later, around midnight, I decided to take 2 Ibuprofen PM because the stress of my lack of sleep was making my neck allegedly hurt. First I googled, "If I take ibuprofen with Trazadone, am I going to die". Google said hell to the no, take that narcotic and don't look back....so I indulged.

Ibuprofen PM is just Ibuprofen and Benadryl. I've been knocking back Benadryl since I was a zygote so that shit pretty much does less for me than a laffy taffy and a cold pillow.

A short while later, I decided to break down and take one of my leftover Ambien. I had to work the next day and I was desperate for some z's. So were the giant bags under my eyes and my work performance.

Woooooo! Partayyyyyyy! Hollla atcha Mammmmaaaa!

Well. Not really. The truth is, I went to sleep. I was sleepy.

I got up the next day and went to work. I was still really sleepy and not real cute.

I checked my email and noticed a few not very fun messages. I had recently gotten a new credit card and was receiving a lot of emails from the credit card company. I opened the most recent one and read a warning about possible credit card fraud done on my account at 3:13 AM, and to please call the company if I was, in fact, making those transactions as an actual human being.

It all started coming back to me. Those of you who take Ambien may understand this...it's not like being schnockered off 4 bottles of wine kind of black-out. It's more like "Oh yeah, that's why my hipbones are sore and I don't fit into my pants." It's a kind of "wha happened?" I compare to both infantile amnesia and dementia. Neither of which I remember having but I imagine it's very similar.

This is all put together by the phone calls and emails I received, along with my browser history and fuzzy memories that were also clouded by lots of cereal-eating.

I apparently decided to go get on my computer at 3:12 (seriously) and order some accessories from Aldo. I remember thinking about what outfit I wanted to wear the next day and wishing I had purple feather earrings. ... I typed Aldo in wrong and it took me to a totally bullshit and everyone knows it website where it said I won $1,000. I apparently believed it and gave my credit card number to 5 different "offers" to qualify for the $1,000 I had won.

I actually kind of remember thinking..."I always see this spam and assume it's fake...but clearly they can't just promise something they don't deliver so what the hell, I will try it! I need and deserve $1,000 more than anyone so it could be at least kinda real."

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL Unsolicited sales calls....

I figured out all of this out today because I got an email from best-giveaways telling me "based on the offers you 'qualified' for, click here for your $1,000 gas and grocery rebate". It was basically some ridic form you fill out annually to get a rebate on the taxes you pay for gas and groceries or something.

Just. You know. FML.

 I was looking at my credit card statement and unfortunately remembering signing up for a machine that rejuvenates your wrinkles...and then a monthly subscription to makeup....and then a fake eyelash delivery service....and a credit monitoring services....

I am not kidding. I did all of that ACTUALLY thinking I was getting 1,000 dollars.

I know you're all dying to know where this story leads so it can end happily with me being wrinkle-free and one G richer....but you'll be sad and disappointed....and probably sleepy.
The offer kept taking me to more things I had to sign up for to win my $1,000....
and I just kept typing in my credit card....
I have been researching all the stuff I did today... they're all "trial memberships". On the rejuvenation one, I have to wait until I get it and then mail a written statement requesting a cancellation and the reason I didn't like it and return the machine within 8 business days or else they will charge me $187.89 for the machine.
You know how restricting that is?
To have to wait two or three days to get it...then keep it for at least one business day so they know I used it....then mail it back (fee on me to mail back) WITH a written explanations...all within 8 business days?
 All 5 "offers" I signed up for are the same excruciatingly stupid and awful processes.
So... they have only charged me 1.00, .79, 8.74, 1.25, and .05 but they all have these ridiculous stipulations and if I don't correctly cancel them all with the requirements they will charge me 48.95, 18.99, 124.99 (that's the mineral makeup..but oh I get to keep the makeup bag it comes with as my "bonus gift"), and 11.99 per month until it's properly cancelled.

The Trazodone is supposed to make you extremely relaxed and worry free. Apparently, I was so relaxed that I was like..."no way this is a scam! This free shit is gonna be awesome."
Phone call number 3 of 2,145:
weird area code phone number guy: Hi is this Mary Brown? I'm from a puddle under a tent in India and I need to verify your account validation.

Mary: um yeah I dunno what that means...I took 2 sleeping pills last night and ordered a bunch of stuff I don't want or need.

WACPNG: Did you order Costolin? Credit Reporting? Bare Minerals?

Mary: Um all of the above sound vaguely familiar. Why are you calling me?

WACPNG: It doesn't show you've cancelled anything?

Mary: I have to wait for all my packages to arrive apparently.

WA: Well. Did you at least sleep good?


WACPNG: Well okay Marie. You call customer service when you receive those packages and no stress, okay?

Mary: Okay, love you sugar.
I have properly cancelled everything I stupidly did, and my credit card company advised me exactly what to do. I cancelled my credit card and didn't open ANY of the packages I received.
Can you believe someone actually has to use a monthly eyelash delivery service? I mean, I look good with some falsies, but if I sign up for a recurring monthly service someone just pepper spray me like an occupier.

Kendal giving me hell. Duh.

Pictures of 2 of the 194 packages I received

Monday, November 7, 2011

I blog for myself because I love myself.

I am the most self-absorbed human in North America.

I tried to write a novel and then I was like,

"Hey novel, I murder you now with my awesome verbage and typing, suck on that!"

And then the novel said,

"Wutcchu talking about playa-hata? You're 64,325 words behind and you just ate 8,500 calories worth of laffy taffys and whoppers. And what..?"

So I bowed down and accepted defeat. My cousin sent me an except of her novel and it was phenomenal. I actually wanted it to keep going. When I was writing my novel, It was so hard to not use made up words and lots of parenthesis to explain my blabbering. But that wasn't the biggest problem.

I don't know how to write about anything but myself. I tried to take a different stance and ended up changing it to half Adrian's point of view and half my point of view. Then I tried to write Adrian's chapter and ended up eating a giant bowl of Honey Kix and putting my new deodorant on excessively and excitedly because that shit smelled like pomegranate and bubble baths.

Speaking of myself, let me tell you more about my...self.

I have been in three earthquakes in the last four days.

(Kendal said it best)

I redid a mortgage for a member three times today because she wanted a "prettier" number.

I'm under a tornado warning right now.

I love how they put exclamations to make my impending death funner.

 My husband left me to go play golf in California.

I just got some new Spanx that make me feel like Ashley Olsen.

Wow. I feel so much better now that I've talked about myself.

Feel free to make me an offer of famousness. Either by writing, singing, or mortgaging.

Love you all.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I will not be blogging this month as I have committed to writing 50k words this month, during National Novel Writing Month! If you would like to follow my novel which has yet to be named, planned, or even thunk about my name on NaNoWriMo.com is justinappropriate... I hope I can stick to this commitment more than dieting, new years resolutions to stop cussing, and operation hot wife. Oh and to stop blogging while driving.

Love you all like I love gas station hot dogs!