Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Time is of the Something

There's some quote about time that I would like to include in this post. I can't find it, though. Something to do with the only thing that is going to change is time, which won't really be a change since you can't have something that is constant be considered a change.

So, yeah, just know you would have been really inspired and moved by this quote.

Today is January 31, 2012.

20 years ago today, I was 8. (I work in banking, so I'm real good at math). I was in Mrs. Rogers' third grade class. Mrs. Rogers looked like a cocker spaniel, was two hundred years old, and loved the Brooklyn Dodgers. Is that a team? That's all up in the memory in a crevice I didn't know was there, but I guarantee it that 76% of the time it's always right. She had a calendar with different messages to her on the Dodger's stadium board thing for each month. One time, I threw a book in the dumpster to keep another mean girl in my class from reading it. Ol Roger Dodger knew it was me because we she watched me do it, but waited until after school to keep me a little bit longer. Then she spun me around in a circle 52 times and told me she was turning my life around and I would never act like such a crazy emotional bitch again. I really wish she had channeled more cocker spaniel magic into that turn around, so I wouldn't cry in the fetal position when my husband looks at another female or at previews for whales stuck under the ice.

10 years ago today, I was 18. I worked at a restaurant called Applewoods that gave you donuts before your meal and had the best soup EVER that was made with Coors light and Cheez Whiz. mmmmm. I still lived at home with my parents, and I didn't have any romantic prospects. I was so incredibly innocent. I remember a male co-worker talking about a few of the guys we worked with that were from Albania: "Yeah, have you ever heard them talk in their language? It's the weirdest language I've ever heard...sounds like chinese and spanish and throwing up or something. Have you ever fucked any of them?"


"The Albanians"

"I've never forked anyone. Why would you ask me something like that?"

"Oh, I was just making conversation"

This kind of conversation was a little higher caliber than I was used to at my musical rehearsals and high-school job at the local pharmacy. I would grow to be much easily less offended, as you have to be in the restaurant/being an adult/married to Mat business.

I was going on a lot of auditions that month. I auditioned in Chicago for The Disney Cruise line and Japan Disneyworld. I wanted it so bad. I wasn't good enough to even finish my song. I think they let me get about 4 bars in and then abruptly stopped me and told me to go back to Oklahoma and serve some more cheez whiz soup. There was a girl who was before me that had huge, long, blond hair that fell in perfect waves down to her teeny tiny waist.

Mary: Your hair is so beautiful.

Perfection: Thanks, I wear it straight for print.

M: Oh yeah. Print. Sometimes I wear a push up bra for when my mom takes pictures of me.

P: Which parks have you worked at?

M: I haven't worked at any parks. I...

I then went into a ridiculous shitshow of lies about local theatre, touring as Cosette in Les Miserable, and being awarded the key to my city. I also had nothing on her, so I super duper played up my southern accent to make me more charming than her. It was obnoxiously musical theatreish as it could be, I'm sure. It turns out she had already played Ariel at two different Disney resorts and was there for her 4th call back for Japan Disney's Ariel. I also remember I was wearing khakis and a sweater (seriously) and she had on a teeny white dress that looked like it was made with tissue paper. I'm sure she got it and I'm making loans.

Whatevs though, I like to imagine her with lots of plastic surgery and passive-aggressive bible quotes all over a bulletin board that doesn't also have pictures of a hot husband and two adorable children. Suck it, daughter of the sea king.

5 years ago today, I was 23. I was sad and lonely and had just gotten divorced from a busboy I met as an innocent conversationalist at the above mentioned Applewoods. Adrian was 2. I lived in an apartment that I never cleaned or decorated. I paid a place about $90 a month to do all my laundry but I couldn't afford cable or internet. Adrian would watch Curious George every day, and I would watch Mean Girls every night before I went to bed. Doesn't this sound awful? I wish I could go back to that point and tell myself to pay my car payments and put down the french fries...because things are about to get a lot better.

2 years ago today, I was 26. I was marrying my wonderful guy, Mat. What he lacks in t's he makes up for in responsibility and awesomeness. We had been together for close to 3 years and we had a 9 month old we had endured months and months of medical problems with.  He's loved me big and small, blond or brunette, crazy or sweet, poor or poor. (ha)

Happy Anniversary! I hope we have a few more.

15 years from today....I'll be celebrating my 17th anniversary and I'll look like this.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Let's Passive Aggressive play!

Today is a great day to post about my pet peeves, because I am a grumpy little bitch.

Passive aggressive facebooking: In itself, this is annoying enough to destroy anything else in the world that may be pleasurable.

Jessica Whinesalot "...has done what she can but sigh boo hiss moan, it is never enough. Done with all the negative people"

                              Mindy Gullibleface  "yeah, girl. Don't you worry about her, she's an ugly bitch with a  saggy ass anyway. Keep your head up. See you at church on Sunday! 'he who walks in the light of the Lord shall never throw bitchy stones at glass houses' Luke 46:1"

                              John Likesanyreasontotalktohotgirls  "Who is messing with you? I'll beat her up if you give me a chance to have sex with you. =) Just kidding, sweetie. But seriously, call me if you need me for anything. I'll drop elbows and penises for you."

                              Jessica Whinesalot "hahahaa John you're SO funny. No big deal, just some people seem to think it's be mean to Jessica day. No one specific. I don't want to go in more detail about it because it's kind of personal. =) But thanks for all your support loveys!"

                             Sally Pronoun She is so horrible and he doesn't know anything about anything! They just like to bring people like you and her down when they get pissed off about the fact that you aren't hanging out with them at their place anymore. Oh and don't even get me started on her sister! She has so much nerve to say what she said about you and her. And he is such a player-hater. We need to meet up and have coffee and judgment soon, because I have to tell you about what he's been doing to me lately.

                             Julie Insidejoke   Jess just remember that the bull always comes before the balls! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha. Love ya beeyatch!

                            Jessica Whinesalot:  Whoa @Sally, didn't mean to get you all fired up! I just don't understand. Why does everything seem to go well and then everyone turns on me. =(  @Julie girl you know it all too well in "magicland"! hahahahahaa oh my gosh we have too much fun after 2 many!

                           Christy Paranoid: WTF, Jess, really?!?!?!

                            Jessica Whinesalot: Really, what?!?!

                           Christy Paranoid: Typical. All because I accidentally had diarrhea on your puppy that one time.

                            Jessica Whinesalot: "Through the eyes of our children we shall be one and peaceful" All that's important is taking care of my daughter and myself! No more negativity! I shall prosper and thine self be true! I'm still posting and making quotes about the stuff I just said I wasn't going to let bother me! Somehow I keep typing about it!

                           Karly Twelveyearoldcousin: Wuz wrong cuz? :(  <3   -------@ 

What's even more pet peevish to me is how I frequently have the urge to "vaguebook" or take out my passive aggressiveness on my Facebook friends. If Husband with one T makes me sad, I will type a status like "I'm so tired of being the only one who CARES!" Or something else equally dramatic. But then I delete it and change my mind.So I pretty much am annoyed by something I myself am guilty of. I'm just enough of a poser that I fake it.

My other pet peeve is posers.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

My ass on a wall.

"Come sign up for this thing we're doing at my gym", my friend Greer (a very dedicated and amazing personal trainer) says.

"I don't really like social events at the gym. Especially yours", I pout back. Her gym is where all the girls who look like her go. Here she is.

I just made you decide not to eat lunch, right?

I prefer gyms where I am the best looking and fittest one there. Since those gyms don't exist, I instead choose my couch and chocolate eggo waffles.

"Dude. You're wearing me out. Your best friend's a goddamn trainer and a damn good one. Take advantage of it. You're not getting younger."

I'm 28 and that one stung like one of the many times I've been attacked by a satan wasp.

"Come in when you get off work. Pay $50 and you get 3 sessions with me. Just me and you. In the "girl" part of the damn gym."

It goes to show how horrible I am at gym-going that I didn't even know the room was divided by your type of genitals.

I decide to go up there and sign up because Greer really is an awesome trainer and I can't afford her normal fees.

There are no parking spots at the gym at 5:15 because everybody wants to have a nice body and everybody wants to do it right after they get off work. I manage to park in a spot that says "NO GYM PARKING" and smile sweetly at the men's clothing store owner who is scowling at us when we walk by. I figured I was safe and there was no way he would think I was going to the gym. I am, after all, a size 10 and wearing a skirt suit with a bouffant.

I couldn't help but notice that at least two people with high and tight asses walked past me condescendingly in the parking lot to make sure they knew they were faster parking-lot walkers and in better shape. I wanted to scream at them "I KNOW YOU ARE!", but I knew that would be more than slightly crazy. I instead took Kendal's advice and made sure I locked my beautiful car 12 times and smiled to nobody....because they may have glutes o steel...but I got a Benz and white teeth. So suck on that.

Greer finds me and takes my credit card to go sign me up. She kind of showed me around but the place was so insane and full of hotties that I just wanted to go to Bass Pro Shop and get some self-esteem back.

She then walks me over to a table where I have to sign up a time slot.

Mary: What's this? What am I signing up for now?
Greer: This is just your time to come in and let me take your weights, measurements, and pictures.

Mary: eh. all right.

Up walks 6"3 man of large biceps and name tag with impressive title.

Greer: Hey. Mary just signed up. Will you get her a t-shirt?

Biceps: Has she taken her pictures yet?

Greer; Nooooo, she just came to sign up after work, she's my best friend. She's going to wear her bikini on Friday....betcha wish YOU got to take the pictures, huh?

(.....uh.....bikini? Hot young boy taking pictures of me in said bikini.... what the fuck is happening to me....)

Biceps: She's kidding. Only she will see the pictures if you want.

Greer: SHUT UP! Look at her she's freaking hot!

Biceps: Well....we're not supposed to give the shirts until you take the pictures.

Mary: That's all right, I don't -

Greer: She's coming on Friday, go get her a shirt!

That's when I noticed what Greer had signed me up for. It was a wall o hotness. A wall of pictures of girls in bikinis entering a nationwide competition for who could have the tightest ass, or something along those lines.

Greer is going to die.

Since hot boss biceps is still standing there, I got out.

Texts to Greer later:

Mary: You know there's no way in satan's playground I'm taking pictures in a bikini

Greer (text): I can understand for sure. You can just wear spandex shorts and a sports bra.

Mary (text):  Yeah, that's a ton better. How about sweatpants and a tank top?

Greer (text): Yes.

Greer (text): You'll just have to lift up your tank top and take off your pants for the picture.

Greer doesn't get it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Importance of Education

I have never been into learning about History.

In fact, I had my husband take "US History since 1877" online for me because I detest it so much. He got me an A because he absorbs those lame stories of honor and swords and stuff with as much passion as I absorb chocolate chip cookies from McDonalds. (Again, if you haven't had them then you are stupid and probably thin)

Today, however, I am a History buff. I am going to tell you the extensive and intricate history behind........

Gerarda Pevostiana.....Also known as Gerard's water snake.

This little pistol of a snake reads books about other weaker snakes swallowing their prey whole and thinks those snakes are pussies and wants to show us how it's really done. I first encountered the mystical asian snake while on assignment in 1992.

There I was, in the middle of Mayanmar, with nothing on me but my wits and some clothes and some weapons and some food. Looking back, I was actually doing quite well.

I crouched down in the mud and leaned my face towards the sun while I dug my nails into the mud and rocks around me and tried to find some crab to roast upon the fire I had constructed with a starter log, pre-cut firewood, and a safety lighter.

I managed to feel the sharp cactus-like leg of a newly-molted king crab and with swift and infinite justice I swung my lunch out from under the rock, spraying black mud across my freshly ironed Gap chinos.

But this leg wasn't attached to a crab. It was a lone leg that had the appearance of being torn away from its body.

I got down on my hands and knees and peered under the rock only to see a giant man-eating asshole Gerard's water snake...tearing a crab apart like it was paying the bills. He didn't even use his fangs, he was such a bad ass predator he just used his coils to prepare the carcas because he doesn't even care how mainstream society tells him he should act.

definitely NOT a Gerard's water snake

If you haven't came into contact with one these crazy ass beasts before...that's because they come from places most blog-readers aren't just hanging out. Like Myanmar, Malaysia, and Gangfonkastin.

So there you have it....the history of my new 14th favorite animal..Gerarda Prevostiana.

(I've never had an assignment, I don't really even know what that means and I was 9 in 1992)

(The gerard's water snake is neither giant, man-eating, or an asshole. It just happened to be what my random article was on Wikipedia and I didn't want you guys to not think I took my shit seriously)

(I may or may not have not actually been to Myanmar, or seen a GWS (Gerard's water snake for the layman) in person)

(I may have made up one of its countries of origin)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Pounds of ham

My wonderfully hilarious and joyful friend and former co-worker Kelsey made working at the big bank bearable.

Our days were full of old rich people yelling at us to sell more of their bank products or else we'd have another conference call.

During these conference calls they would make sure and remind us of how successful Cathy Sinclair was at the northwest branch and could she please read some letters from her adoring customers to inspire us?

Cathy Sinclair was a suck up lame face. Not to mention really short.

"...and so...just when I thought Cathy Sinclair was done with her exceptional customer service...I was WRONG. She remembered my name and used it 4 times in the same sentence! When she walked us to our car and opened our doors for us she noticed a couple of spots on our passenger side door. She used her fingers and tried to rub them off but they were just the most stubborn spots on God's green earth! She ended up licking the car exterior until it was so shiny that I decided to open up a $25,000 CD and donate to her church's fund for extradited prostitutes......"

We would all roll our eyes at Cathy reading HER OWN PRAISES and hope, just hope, that the 5th time we'd heard that damn letter would be the last.

They'd finish the conference call with a prayer of Cathy and then we'd get back to work.

The call didn't motivate us to sell more stuff. It just motivated us to prank Cathy.

Kelsey in insanely old lady voice: HELLO? IS THIS THE SAVINGS AND LOAN? 

Cathy: Why, this is The Big Bank ma'am. Can I get your name before we get started?


Cathy: Okay I'll be happ-


Cathy: Yes, Ruth. I love helping you with this problem already and we are going to get you squared away okay little jam jar? What's your account num-


Cathy: Hmm that account number doesn't seem to be com-


Cathy: no no no sweet dear, we don't want that! Now, what's your social?


Cathy: Well....I can't seem to find it by that so-


Cathy: Ma'am that must be the problem you have called the wrong bank, we haven't been open that lo-


Cathy::........(typing)...... Ummmmmm


Cathy: Uh well I am the manager. I'm sorry I can't find you in the system. Ummmmm.. Ummmm..... Uhhhhh....errr..... (type type type)




(type type type)


Cathy: I think it's the type of debit card you're using. Looks here like you qualify for our Rewards Triple Fangled Visa Credit card. How about we get you all set up for that right now, Ruth?

And that's why Cathy gets to be the star of the conference calls.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My Inappropriate 2011

I am giving you a synopsis of my awesomely inappropriate year through my Facebook statuses. Please enjoy!


Listening to my Ipod, Adrian says "Oh wow. I used to love this song when I was young." He's 6. It was "Beast of Burden" by the Rolling Stones.

That little ballerina needs Jesus and some Xanax. Damn!

I've been chewing gum all day to keep from snacking and just realized that sugar-free gum is NOT calorie-free. I've had 240 calories worth of Dubble Bubble and my poor stomach is growling.

It's going to be really hard to get to American Idol next year now that I no longer have Helmet Baby. I'm going to have to get me a dying kitten or something.

Me: Are you going on Friday? Friend: The last time I went to Groovy's I puked on the dog and almost ended up single. I'm kind of leery of going again.

Text quote from friend: "Have you ever tried to text on. Ambien and it almost like video game."

I don't think I do anything with less enthusiasm and effort than wiping off the machines at the gym after I'm done.

The guy who works at the gas station next door to my work just scolded me for buying a hot dog while I'm on a bikini diet. I talk to strangers too much.


I wish I liked almonds. Everyone says they're good for me. But they seriously taste like anorexia.

Seeing the sun finally shine today makes me want to punch Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby in the bathing suit parts a little less.

"You look so good ma'am, you make me want to come out of retirement." Old man to me today at Panera. I'm not sure what that means, sir, but I'm certain it's the best compliment I've ever received.

Who wants to watch Ellis for me so I can go to the gym? Yeah, I'll let anyone. Including all you weirdos I haven't seen since 1992.

New rule: If it's been a year since I've seen you and you don't know my middle name the etiquette is the "smile and wave" not the "stop to chat".

Adrian just asked me if I was wearing Apple Bottom jeans. Someone needs to have Flo Rida taken off his Ipod.

It's hard being me. I'm always sure I'm right, but I'm pretty much always wrong.


There's nothing better in life than pretty teeth and hot dogs.

Yesterday: "Mary, don't get so close to that donkey. It's a wild animal. I'm serious." Mat. Today after my nap: "I pet a donkey today! Right on the nose!

"Look at my wife again, Blue eyes, and I'll throw your ass overboard and won't tell anybody for twenty minutes"

I just had a dream that Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Belair was living in my trash can. I was like, "Carlton what the hell are you doing here?", then saw how sad he was and said "Sorry I called you Carlton. I just don't know your real name".

Somehow, "Lunch is on me!" from a satisfied customer loses something when it's followed by "How about Taco Mayo?!"

Me: Shaka's gonna get him some tonight! Mat: Yeah, but he's married. 


I lie when I put in my weight on the treadmill. LIIIIIEEEEEEESSSS!

I know you're pretty, Mom. I just don't know if you're as really pretty as the girl on Step Up." Adrian
Damn you, Jenna Dewan.

When my alarm went off this morning, I "answered" it and mumbled something about Republicans and gummy bears then threw it on the floor. Ambien has morning after effects.

Ellis said "uh oh" and pointed to her hand. I kissed her hand better and it turns out she was uh-ohing a bug in her hand, which then got on my mouth. #imdonehavingkids #Ineedsomewine #wheresallmypunctuation

It's just super creepy how much I've been googling pictures of Pippa Middleton today.


Me: I love my jewelry box Adrian, did you pick this out just for me? Adrian: No no, my Nana had just had it in her closet for like, ten years.

Engagement pictures are SO lame that they make me uncomfortable. You may as well just send everyone a picture of you and your future spouse making awkward love on the railroad tracks.

Mat: Well, Mommy wins the award for the most shoes in the living room. Adrian: Well she also wins the award for the NICEST so the shoes don't even matter. Adrian should write a book for Mat.

A customer just told me she heard I was a really "neat lady", which is a statement about as complimentary as "You should go see Mary. She's a human. Who breathes."

I want to wear my Thunder shirt to the game tonight, but I just feel like Ibaka deserves a dress.

"I hope the tornado shelter we're going to has hot dogs" Adrian


Happy 2nd Birthday to my beautiful Ellis! Who knew your Daddy looking hot in Hawaii 2 years and 9 months ago would make such a fun surprise!

Shut up, edamame. No one actually knows what wattage their microwave is so stop giving me directions that rely upon that information. You're going back in the freezer and I'm going to Mcdonalds.

I hate it that I love Twinkies because it's always what the exaggeratedly fat people in movies eat.

Awwwww. Tornadoes. You're real cute. Sure hope I get to see you tonight. Kisses!

I left an Oreo in my car and the cream melted into a liquid. It's the most delicious air freshener I've ever smelled. I need to get in talks with Glade.

Sarah McClachlan...I will give you thousands of dollars if you will just stop pictures of dogs missing eyeballs.


If I had an unlimited amount of money, I would just keep having babies. They would start a show about me called "Baby Hoarders". They'd find babies under my bed and in my tool shed.

A spider just fell out of my hair while I was cleaning out my car. I think my tradition of Showerless Saturdays should come to an end. I wanted to kiss the spider though, for the mere fact that he wasn't a wasp.

I hate the gap in between the two chest buttons. It's all, "Hey, I know the rest of your shirt fits great but I'm going to screw that up and ensure you look slightly slutty mmkay!"

How come when I lose a pound or two, Jesus takes it from my crow's feet instead of my waist?

Middle-aged men getting a snow cone by themselves is 92% creepy and 8% bless their hearts.

"There was a boy looking at you in that car because you're cute. I think he was thinking whoever gets to be your husband is lucky." Adrian......Gah I need three more little boys.

Adrian to Ellis "Ellis, stop trying to be miss Cutie Pants after you spilled my drink"

Since I don't feel like getting cute...I just put on a Nike shirt, workout pants, and tennis shoes so people will think "aw she just looks homeless because she just got done with a really hard workout"


With all these people talking about Pinterest, I tried to get a login. When they told me I was on the waiting list, I sent them an email saying they were all elitist pin-havers and I hope they choke and die. I had already hit send when I saw my invitations...

Changing your profile picture is pretty much just saying "I think I look really pretty in this picture"

Mary: Thank God I only ate one cheese roll up last night or else I'd feel like a fat kid. Mat: uhhhh Taco bell accidentally gave us three extra tacos and you ate all of them...then fell out of bed and landed in your trash can.

I had a dream last night I found out my real Dad was a transformer named Austin Vick

I really wish photographers would stop shoving newborns into odd objects for photographic opportunities

I just don't understand why the rats have fupas on the Kia Soul commercials

I hate when my iPod is on random and blares "Back that ass up" when I'm putting Ellis into her carseat at daycare.


When I am having a bad day, I just remember I'm not holding up a sign outside Little Caesars or treating my bacne.

This weather can get in bed with me tonight if he promises to stick around. I love him.

(While working on Adrian's school project) Mat: We don't want to give her a pink shirt. She'll look like a stripper. Adrian: Daddy, what's a stripper? Mat: Son, a stripper is a woman who takes off her clothes for money...................................Me: ummm........really....?

"I see you wore your paint pants to the bus stop. That's....nice....Do you have other pants for next time?" Adrian

I ate some rice cakes that were in my parents pantry and thought they kind of tasted like dead insects. Not deterred, I ate the whole pack. Only to discover they expired in June of 2008.

I can tell I won't like a girl when Facebook friend suggests her to me and we have 26 mutual friends, all of whom are men. Single men. Who may or may not have dated one or all of my friends.


"I don't know why that sign says 'Buy for Less'. My Nana spent 300 dollars there. That's not 'less.'' Adrian

Lady to her Husband at Target: "Why don't you stop thinking about your Cowboys losing and start being happy you have a family to grocery shop with." Poor. Guy.

Having a day with no kids and no work is fuuunnnnnn. It feels like 2002. All I need is some Nelly, a car with 200k miles, and a giant curling iron for curling my hair perfectly under.

Have you ever thought you looked cute, then taken a picture of yourself with your iPhone only to discover you look like a cross-eyed 45 year old?

I shouldn't have to go 13 MPH because a cyclist is trying to have trimmer thighs and a healthy heart!


I just ripped off my sunglasses as a menacing gesture to a man trying to cut me off. It doesn't get more badass than that.

"Ma'am you sure do talk a lot." 70 year old cowboy I was dancing with

I'm having coffee and kindness for breakfast this morning....and a bagel

Every time I have a thought, my mind takes that thought and tries to turn it into a Facebook status. Including this one.

Just saw a girl bawling on her walk home school. I stopped my car and asked if she was all right and she took off sprinting, terrified,  and looking back in my direction. #imnotaraper

"Rule of life number 37: Mom's shouldn't go in the attic." Adrian

That's all for this year folks. Hopefully next years posts will all be about wealth, skinniness, and perfect decision-making. I vow at that moment to immediately quit blogging and give myself a papercut.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Leap Blog Day!

Join MothersofBrothers, We Band of Mothers, Southern Fried Chicken, and Just Inappropriate for Leap Blog Day on Feb 29! This is a new event we just made up because we're good like that.

Contact any blogger you like (including the 4 just named) and ask them to do a guest post for you. If they agree, post it on Feb 29 linking back to their site and referencing Leap Blog Day. Likewise, if you are contacted to do a guest post for Leap Blog Day, please consider doing it. (Feel free to do more than one guest post if you want). It will be fun and help introduce your blog to more readers! Plus, all the kids will like you.

Be sure to add your blog's name (not your actual name) and blog address to the list below so folks know to contact you if you're interested!