Thursday, May 10, 2012

When did we stop being cool?

I like to think I was pretty cool in my day.

By "my day" I mean 7th grade and on. Before that I had a bowl cut and loved Mickey Mouse and little orphan Annie. I loved these things well beyond the age of 12 but I learned to open my mouth only when I liked cool things. Like Home Improvement and sex.

I know husband with one T was cool in high school. I know this simply from stalking his high school yearbook and looking incessantly at his smoking hot high school girlfriend's profile picture (It's a private page or else I'd also be stalking how much less cute her offspring would have to be)

I decided to start spray tanning. I thought, if I can't lose weight, I may as well be orange. It's helped me be a little bit happier this last 2 weeks of my job.

I go to the tanning place. You probably don't realize this, but you have to be 17, brown, and cool to work at a tanning salon. I ask for a month of unlimited spray tanning.

17 year old tan cool girl with a lot of bracelets: (doesn't look up from the computer) Do you have the groupon?

Pale, old, but thought she was still cool Mary: Uhhh no. There's a groupon?

cool girl: Yes, it's for 60 days for $30. If you don't have that, you have to sign up for a 6 month contract.

Mary: Oh. Okay. Well give me a second to buy it my on Iphone. I have an Iphone because even though I'm older than shit, I'm still really cool.

CG: Let me know when you've bought it.

Mary: (15 minutes after searching on my phone and not wanting to admit I wasn't cool enough to find it): Ummmm was it from today? I can't find it.

CG: It's not a groupon, it's some other company. But whatever, I know it's out there.

Mary: (tap tap tap on phone and want to cry because pretty girl is being mean)

Mary: (why the hell do I care what she thinks anyways? Bitch, I have a benz and a salary and you work at the tanning salon and you'll be just as old as me in 11 years.)

Mary: (gah but she has so many bracelets)

Mary: Well, I can't find it and I have wasted far too much time looking for it. I am TOO BUSY and TOO AWESOME to stay in here anymore. So. What do we need to do?

CG: I'll just say you had the coupon and give you that rate. (Her eyes said "because you are old and not cool)

CG: Now I need to give you a tour since this is the first time you've been here. This here is the Princess Extreme Brown Half and Half bed. It had shoulder lamps, a lavender mist so you don't smell bad, a scanner that scans your forehead and wrist and adjusts the temperature so you don't burn, satellite radio, a face air conditioner, and a vibrator to keep you from getting cellulite.

Mary: Oh. Wow. Tanning beds have changed since I was in high school.

CG: Oh yeah. We even have people who have skin cancer that come in here. They have made so many advances in technology in these things that they aren't even bad for your skin anymore. Seriously.

Mary: (Okay. Maybe you're cooler than me but you're an idiot. YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT)

Mary: Oh wow, that's great! Thanks a lot, high five!

Suddenly a song comes on that moves me. I feel such incredible impromptu passion for this song that I'm uncomfortable.

Mary: Do you happen to know who sings this? This song is amazing.

CG: I'll look in a minute.

CG: (Without looking up or even turning around) It's Seal.


CG: Your spray tan is ready.

When did we stop being cool?

I went to the snow cone place one day and the 16 year old girl who worked there was crying when she came out the window. I immediately wanted to die on the cross for her. I asked her a few times if she was okay, then kinda started crying myself, because she was breaking my heart.

She ducked down and another woman came to take my order, I asked that woman if the crying girl was all right and she said "YA. SHE 16 AND ALL HORMONES."

As I got my snow cone, I started to drive away when I realized I hadn't gotten husband with one t his snow come. I pulled back around, and they didn't realize I was there but the window was open.


I realized she was talking about me and I started to cry like a cabbage patch baby.

I'm creepy and not cool.

Mat came home from the gym the other night and as he sat drinking his chocolate milk muscle disgustingness, he said, "You know, I always say hi to the kid that works at the gym and I can tell, he totally doesn't think I'm cool. I want to be like, I may be 32 but I'm still fucking cool."

"Oh my gosh, honey, I'm not cool anymore either!" I tell him about the tanning place chick and the snow cone girl.

I've decided the only way to counteract this is to make sure they know I think I am cooler than them. The next time snow cone girl is crying I'm going to tell her to put a smile on her fat face and give me my snow cone that I'm going to eat in my expensive car that my rich husband who doesn't make me cry (often) gave me. Then I"m going to drive to my real job, that doesn't pay me in free high school football tickets and gummy bears.

OH and tanning place girl, TANNING DOES CAUSE CANCER. You don't get to say whatever you want just because your gams look like my 7 year old anorexic son's.

Who cares if we're sexually aroused by our vegetable garden? Who gives a shit if we listen to the Little Mermaid soundtrack in our car at full volume?

We're still cooler than all of you.