Monday, August 20, 2012

Porch Noodling Competition 2012

From Mary's perspective:

I was pulling out of the garage to go get my eyebrows debushed when I noticed something out of the corner of my hairy eye.

What the hell...? I thought. Is that a bear? From my car in the street, I could see movement behind the reed plant that looked like human movement. But I kept seeing bear so I kept on thinking there was probably a small bear on the front porch. Then the bear looked up and it had skin on its face. It was a human. A human on my porch, dangling its toes in my pond.

Okay. Keep in mind that our pond is more like a puddle of incest than a pond. I don't need to mention again the amount of brother/sister sex these fish are having. It is not big enough for a foot, even if that foot belonged to a little old Asian lady. Here are some pictures so you can really zone in on the awkwardness of this.

How did scream, "DANGLE YOUR FEET IN ME"?

She walked all the way up the driveway and sidewalk. For 2 years. 

I walked up, expecting her to either shoot me and run or just run, yelling at me that she'd won while carrying a couple of inbred fish she'd stolen. Both scenarios involved running away, embarrassed by being caught being completely inappropriate and disrespectful of others. She definitely didn't run away at all.

Pond creeper: Oh hi!

Mary: Um...hi

PC: She having so much fun!

I notice there is a little girl sitting next to her. She's adorable, with an afro and all pink clothes. Her hands aren't so much adorable as they are 10 inches into the bottom of our fish poo pond.

PC: You live here?

Mary (picture fake nice condescending awkward voice Mary): Yeahhh. Uh huh. I do.

PC: We enjoy your house for so many year. Since she were little, 1 years old, we come play in your water and fish. Now she 3 and You NEVER HERE. IS SO FUNNY!

Mary: Yeah, uh huh. Well, yeah, we both

PC: I think you Asian!

Mary: I'm sorry, what?

PC: You have the herb in your garden. We use the herb to make tea that make it so much better for no to pain anymore. HAHA. I say HAHA. I think you Asian so I take your herb, you thank you. HAHA.

Mary: My basil? You took my basil for your creepy headache tea?

The little girl, this entire time, never looks up at me. She is scooping the water/fish shit out with her hands and dumping it on the rock next to it. It's making the entire porch smell like a tuna sewage factory. Husband with one T had come out for just a moment without his shirt on, looked at me like I was crazy, and walked back in to leave the matter to me, the lady of the house.

PC: Yes yes. Is good for this. (rubs her temples) I don't know what translate to, just herb for tea. I like it very much. Is so funny that you not Asian. HAHA.

I knock on the door to get Mat back out on the porch. I am too non-confrontational to deal with this. I would be okay just listening to her rambling while being uncomfortable at night thinking she was watching me sleep. I am not very good at "handling" things. I tend to "avoid" them and then just call my mom and cry if they get worse.

Mary: Honey,

Mat: Was she just SITTING OUT THERE? I thought you invited her! WHO IS SHE?!

That was my cue to do a nice smile/ wave goodbye and start heading for my car,  which is still running in the middle of the street.

Mat: Uh. Hey. What are we doing here?

PC: Oh hi. You live here. We enjoy your pond for many years. I babysit and we play in pond. HAHA.

Mat: What the hell? Ya'll need to GO.

Mat doesn't really beat around the bush or concern himself with things like small talk or compassion.

From Porch Creeper's perspective

Oh, look. A beautiful pond. I would like to stick my body parts in it. Oh look, basil. The only person who grows basil is an Asian person and since they're Asian they are just like me and will enjoy me sitting on their porch while they're gone and letting my charge play amongst super fun fish shit. Let's continue to do this for 2 years. Oh look, here comes a big lady,  who the hell is she? She mumbled about something and I was confused why she was interrupting our daily porch time. Her eyebrows is bushy. Here comes her son. Or is that her dad?  He has a hairy chest like a Venezuelan. He is saying something to me about going. I laugh a lot. We don't go. We will never go!