Thursday, January 3, 2013

Shame, vomit, and interest rates

"I need to stop drinking this vodka so I don't pee on my stairs tonight" never crossed my mind on this night in 2006 as I was sitting at my favorite local establishment, Cock of the Walk.  Where everyone knows your name and has had sex with all your friends.

Nowadays,  I'm usually at home getting pregnant on Friday nights,  and I don't understand how I thought Cock of the Walk plans weren't refusable. A simple, "I have to work until 8 o'clock tonight and again in the morning at 7:45 in the morning so I think I'll pass, but thank you for the invitation, Kendal!" seems like it would have been met with an understanding nod and wave. But at that time in my life I was on the prowl to get me a husband with one T and everyone knows the only way to find one is at a dingy bar that can't be bothered to install a bathroom stall door that closes. (also, when you are waiting in the line for the women's bathroom you get a champion's view of Oklahoma City urinal wiener every time the men's bathroom door is opened)

Three hours into the night,  I was having so much fun that not even my friend sleeping in a trash can was going to get me in a cab. I probably spent most of the night sitting at a table with strangers, begging them to love me. I really don't remember much from the night, and when I look at pictures all I recognize is shame and failure. And cavities, since my mouth is wide open in 90% of them.

I was so surprised when the lights came on and I still hadn't found my next ex-husband. That means it was 2am. That means I had about 5 hours until I had to be at work.

How did I get home that night? I don't know. But it was someone that decided not to make sure I got into my bed without puking on it first.

I crawled out of the throw up nest at 7, because I needed a shower and I was going to look presentable and open some motherfucking checking accounts. I did not feel well. I did not look well. I was only 23 so one would think I could take a licking and keep on ticking, right?

It was one of the worst days of my life. Honestly. The time was going by so slowly and I had to stay there until four. I laid my head down on my desk and tried to take slow sips of water. I couldn't eat. Thankfully, the lobby of a bank doesn't get too busy in the morning on Saturdays because most people got schnockered the night before and are enjoying sleeping in. At about 10:30 I had just wrapped up a little prayer session with Mr. Jesus and He wasn't complying. My phone rang to let me know there was a woman here to see me to open up 17 accounts and talk about every other bank option we have.

I shook her hand and introduced myself. She had on a decorative scarf and a wool skirt suit and her fake red hair hit her shoulders in a nice little Saturday morning flip. She needed to die.

Suzie: I'd like to talk about some options for my accounts. I was thinking about moving $10,000 from my savings into a ;fkas;dfoi0980nndsfd-090-;a)OQ.

Mary: Excuse me, what? Never mind, I'll be right back.

I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my wrists. Please. Get me through this

Mary: Okay, hi! I'm back! Sounds like you need a Titanic account and that will only take about 40 seconds to sign and then you can go! yay!

Suzie: Oh, well I'm not in a hurry, Dear. Let's talk more about the intricate details of the features and benefits of the Mon-


I had just picked up my trash can from under the desk and was violently vomiting into it. It wasn't quick or subtle. There were long periods of dry heaving and crying, my forehead resting against the plastic edge of the trashcan. Suzie sat there quietly. She could have at least held my hair back. Or even better, WALKED AWAY AND WENT HOME. Every few seconds I could hear her clear her throat or say "oh dear" under her breath.

I sat back up, black tears overflowing from my bloodshot eyes, snot and spit gathered in the corner of my mouth.

Mary: I'm- I'm sorry- I'll just go clean myself up.

Suzie: Oh don't even worry about it, it's those Bradford Pear trees blooming, they've got everyone feeling under the weather.

I couldn't believe it. I wasn't rubbing my nose or giving a little sneezy. Lemon/lime/vodka/vomit stench was filling up my office and she was ready to keep talking about sassy personalized deposit slips. She jumped right back into business talk, while I sat there shocked and in disbelief. I couldn't even get this woman out of my office by nearly hurling on her.

I stopped her incessant rambling and carried my trash can to the bathroom, where I cleaned up as best as I could and cried on the floor for three minutes.  I kept thinking she would get mad about having to wait and would leave. I peeked outside the door and she was still there, making notes about all her different options. I was going to have to be brutal.

Mary: Ma'am. Hi, yeah, I'm back. Um. I feel really sick and can't continue helping you any more. In fact, I need you to leave. I really am sorry but there's just no way I can talk to you or listen to you talk anymore. You'll have to come back on Monday.

She seemed completely SHOCKED that I was too sick to continue, but not angry at all. She told me they needed to let me go home and give me a sick day every once in a while. Bless her heart. She has never seen a hungover and possibly still drunk person in her 60 something years of living.

I was able to get a hold of a co-worker to come in and take over for me. She even stopped and got me some coffee. (Thanks Lauren!)

Moral of the story is...well...whatever...look at the pictures. Don't drink and work.

Yay! Friends! Fun!

Calm down, 2006 Mary

Close your mouth. Go home!

1:54 AM. Clearly. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My 2012 in inappropriate Facebook statuses


"Mom, stop crying and eat your pretzel" Adrian (while watching the preview for the movie that has the whales stuck under the ice)

"When I turn 18, I want a wife that knows how to dance. Oh wait, you won't care because you'll be dead by then" Adrian

"Mary, you make me so happy. I am like dog who can't stop wag his little tail" Customer in a fedora

"I wish Ellis love me just a little bit less, so she wouldn't cry when I went to the bathroom" Adrian

This morning, Ellis was being a terrorist and wanted to eat a bag of frozen broccoli. When she about to throw a fit, I agreed to let her eat one piece of it on the way to school to prove that she would hate it. She ate that entire piece of freezer burned broccoli and smiled at me the whole way to school like, "Whutchu know about that"


"Why is that man staring at you? Can't he tell he's too late by the two KIDS SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE CAR?!" Adrian (he yelled the last part) (he thinks everyone wants to marry me)

Mat: I don't know why you have an irrational fear of going to jail. You're never in the place or company of anyone committing any sort of crime. 
Mary: I know, but anything can happen. What if some 19 year old wants you to be her husband so she frames me for murder and I get locked up forever?
Mat: That's ridiculous. I could never land a 19 year old. 

I'm reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and I don't understand the hype. It's awful. I would rather read an information phamplet on wasp sex or a roth IRA. 

I hurt my neck today and Mat has been waiting on me all day. For one moment, Adrian noticed him messing with the TV and said "um, shouldn't you be focused on your wife right now?"

God, I am getting so old. I keep slippers beside my bed and plan on eating two tums before I consume thin mints. Lame. 


I  just stirred my coffee cup with a paperclip because I didn't want to get up to get a spoon. 

"My credit is only bad because I got addicted to pain pills around this time last year" Customer

"Look at this guy, trying to be cool and play the drums on his steering wheel for you... SHE'S MARRIED AND DOESN'T WANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU!" Adrian

Just waiting for Mat to fall asleep deeply enough that I can sneak on the AC without getting caught...

"I'm going to be really cautious and make sure I don't step in dog shit" Said neither of my children, ever. 


"Well, isn't she just a huge and ugly genius" Adrian referring to Ursula in the Little Mermaid

If there's a stage version of The Little Mermaid, I picture King Triton being exceptionally hot. 

A 'steamed and salted' potato isn't 20% as good as it sounds. It tastes like I'm chewing on a thought. 

'...and don't call me Shirley" jokes will always be funny. Always. 

Adrian has a soccer game at 7:45 AM tomorrow. Why did I have unprotected sex 8 years ago?


If I ever have a nanny, she'll be 70 with a hunchback and a mustache. 

This "age me" app is really funny! I wish there was a "young me" app. I would use it on every single picture and not tell anyone. 

Watch out LA! We're gonna be better than you and beat you some! #awkwardatsportsstatuses

I've taken an ambien, but Steve Blake really looks like a penis. 

Adrian is alone in the hot tub with two giant people sitting on top of each other. Has no idea why or how that could be awkward. 


"Ellis, don't poop your pants." "But I waaaaaaaaaaaaaant to"

Ugh, stop parenting so loud. 

I don't know why Emily gets so butt hurt over her Bachelors calling her a trophy wife. Isn't that what we all want?

Well, I hated "Brave". And Adrian's gunea pig died and I don't know how to spell guinea. It's been a rough day. 

Magic Mike? I'd rather have Magic Mexidips. 


I was just trying to coax Adrian through 2 tablespoons of Nasty Nyquil when I realized he probably doesn't know what it means that I was yelling "JUST TAKE IT LIKE A SHOT GO GO GO GO"

"You're so weird. I would never cry at work. Except when I am really hungover." My anonymous friend (It was Kendal)

After boycotting Chik Fil A, I can't help but be thankful that cookie cake has never spoken out against gay marriage. 

I always get flipped off and I never know what I did. I need a bumper sticker that says, "WHHYYYYYYYY?"

"If I ever won one thousand dollars, I would buy us a big house like the guy who owns Hobby Lobby and loves Jesus" Adrian


Dear Summer, you make everyone stinky and ugly. No one looks good with a bikini and a sweatstache. Take direction from your friend, Fall, who makes everyone smell like pumpkins and snickers ice cream and promotes cuteness in scarves and non-sweaty hairlines. Love, Mary with heat splotches on her neck. 

"Bye my best friend" Nice little girl at Ellis's school "YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND" Ellis

"I love you but the next time you buy calorie-free cranberry juice, we're going to have serious issues. I'll take 20 calories for a smidgen less taste of shit" My husband

"I make the ladies laugh. While they're laughing and distracted, I escape" Adrian

Went for a bike ride. Didn't get thrown in the back of a van. Fist pump. 


I use three different pens on Adrian's reading log so his teacher thinks I actually fill it out every day instead of the night before it's due. 

Ellis really sucks at the Dougie. 

HD ain't great for Britney. And Leopard Pants Girl, you never got bullied. I HATE SOB STORIES GET OFF THE STAAAAAAAAAAGE. 

For about 3 seconds, I forgot we were at work and accidentally rubbed Mat's pecs. 

Veterinary offices are harder upsellers than most of my co-workers. 


Ellis is composing a new song in the tub. It appears the working title is "You're not my best friend Today is Tuesday Don't sit by me"

Ohhh scarves. Thank you for not being selective and looking cute on everyone. 

Adrian has its and it's on his spelling test this week. 75% of my friends don't know the distinction. We're a family of elitist spellers. 

Is it controlling and creepy that I've already picked out and learned the songs I plan on singing at my kid's weddings?

Ellis has become obsessed with the word "maybe" but never uses it correctly and it sounds like she's making fun of me. "What'd you do at school today?"     "Maybe I colored. Maybe I played with my friends"


I spilled coffee in my front seat and Ellis threw up in my backseat. So basically, my car smells like every Sunday morning in 2006.

Sometimes, I click on ads just because they're bad and I feel sorry for the employee that made them. It's a sympathy click so they at least get one and can keep their jobs. Changing the world with my saintlikeness.

I love you all! Except those of you that I just deleted because you're less pleasant than a wasp with herpes. Where are the speeches?I'm ready to make sweet political love to myself.

My mother took me to the doctor today and ask I was checking out I notice a girl from HS, who was looking like a supermodel, walk in to the lobby. I had a 2 day old ponytail and a swollen face with black circles under my eyes and a giant t shirt on so I texted my mother "Do NOT talk to ____ when you see her!" I had just hit send when I heard my mom's voice from the lobby, "Do you remember me, I'm Mary's mom! She'll be out in a minute, you two should say hi!" Friendly Mom fail.

If something ever happens to me, don't let the police go through my text messages. My legacy will never be the same.


Adrian: Mama has a song, Ellis has a song, I don't have a song...Mat: That's okay buddy I don't have a song either.   Adrian: what? yes you do, Daddy, it's Big Pimpin. 

Difference between my kids: Adrian donated two full bags of toys to charity. We asked Ellis to donate a dollar tree dirty Easter bunny given to her by a stranger and she said "Um. 
No. That's my best friend"
Receptionist on the phone just now:
"Yes, please have him call Mary when he has a chance"
"Ummm, are you going to spell that for me because there are like 100 different ways to spell that"
"I didn't even know that! Sorry about that, sure, it's M-A-R-Y!"
"Oh, so not like Christmas"
"Nope, that would be the ONE other way to spell it."

Adrian has lost 3 coats now. How do I punish him? Clearly my parenting method of communication and reasoning actually sucks and maybe I need to start rubbing his face in the gravel?

Toys R Us is gross.