Monday, April 1, 2013

When you're done crying, punch them!

I have stopped saying awkward prayers and singing beautiful songs for Adrian. Now he likes me to tell him stories of my childhood mischief. I am starting to run out of tales but tonight I remembered a particularly awesome one.

He's awkward because of the sex statue- I'm smiling because of the sex statue

Mary: Okay, this is a really good story, are you ready? It's about this girl named Alicia. She needed to THINK ABOUT THINGS and she was not very nice.

We had freshmen Health together; I was fourteen. She sat in front of me and would pass papers back our row. That's where our romance began. Now, I was pretty nice. Nice to everyone. I loved everyone. Except Alicia, that girl was mean.

I'm the violent Fourteen year old on the left

Adrian: You should love everyone.

Mary: Yeah, yeah I know. Anyways. I'm going to say a bad word because it's important for the story, okay?

Adrian: Ummm, I don't knooooow...?

Mary: It's okay, I know you'll never say them so you can hear them, I promise.

Mary: I was giggling with my friends one day, when out of nowhere, Alicia wanted to tango with the MFlo.

Adrian: Who's M Flo?

Mary: That's me.

Adrian: Ah okay, keep going.

Mary: Alicia had this pitbull look on her face and leaned over my desk and growled "I'm going to beat your ass."

Adrian: SHE SAID A BAD WORD?!?!?

Mary: Adrian, YES! She punched girls in the face for wearing lip gloss, of course she said bad words.

I didn't even know what to say. I didn't tell anyone because I was so embarrassed that this was happening. I decided that  the best thing to do was to just keep on being nice.

Adrian: Good job, Mom. (high five hand in the air)

Mary: WRONG. The next day I told her that I liked her K Mart hoodie and she laughed in my face and told me, "My cousin had to pull me off this girl in front of our house yesterday because I was beating her ass. My mom was beside me just cheering me on. Dumb girl."  Why did she tell me that, other than to just make me more scared than I already was? She was a foot shorter than me, I outweighed her by thirty pounds, and I had people that enjoyed my company. She clearly had the short end of the stick but I was TERRIFIED.

She hardly ever showed up for class but the thought of her being there scared me so much that I never wanted to go. I dreaded Health every single day for weeks.

Adrian: Wait, she was a BULLY. Why didn't you tell your parents or your teacher? They would keep her out of school so you could learn about healthy foods.

Mary: Number 1. Health is more about sex and drugs and not food. Number 2. In my day, son, we all got bullied and we didn't cry about it on stage on "The Voice". We cried ourselves to sleep tonight and read a lot of Sweet Valley High.

Adrian: Ohhhh okay. I am SO SORRY, Mama.

Mary: Oh, IT'S OKAY. Just wait until you hear the end of this story. Ain't nobody sorry for me.

Adrian: Oh my gah I'm so excited. Did she get nice?

Mary: .......

Adrian: ...............?

Mary: Okay, anyways.

So she has her head down on her desk one day as I sat down. I kept quiet and didn't laugh and didn't call any attention to myself. But the Teacher called me out about something and I can't turn off this ridiculousness. I popped off something funny and everyone laughed and Alicia turned around and looked at me.

She gave me a good long look that guaranteed she was going to punch me in the cheekbone within 48 hours.

I walked out of the class and past her and one of her friends. Her friend turned around to look at me and as I walked by Alicia pushed me into the pit. Her friend yelled "You're gonna get your ass beat TOMORROW".

Adrian: So you didn't go to school, right?

Mary: I finally had to swallow my pride and tell my parents. I told them because I didn't want to go school. I don't take hits well, as ya know. My Dad surprised me. He held my hand while I was crying and then told me to come to the living room.

He told me to show him my best fist.

"You can't hold your fist like that, Marigold, you'll break your fingers. Now, punch my hand"

I punched his hand.

"Harder, follow through.These are the places you need to hit. Use your elbow if you need to."

I punched his hand until I sweaty. I had stopped crying. Then he sat me down.

"No one is EVER going to beat you up. You are strong and you are smart. She is a coward, she's stupid, and she's WEAK. You're going to let her start the fight, because we don't go looking for a fight. When she starts it, YOU FINISH IT. YOU KNOCK HER DOWN SO HARD THAT SHE CAN'T GET BACK UP AND HIT YOU AGAIN. YOU WON'T EVEN FEEL THE PAIN BECAUSE YOU WILL BE SO ANGRY AND ONLY THINKING. ABOUT. FINISHING."

My dad had me so pumped up about myself that I WANTED Alicia to start a fight. I wanted it so bad that I couldn't WAIT to go to school the next day.

Adrian: Wow, that was really bad of Grandpa. You shouldn't have listened to him. The best thing to do is to ignore someone when they're being mean.

Mary: That works until they throw a punch. You have my full permission to bust some ninja moves on someone if they hit you first. I will always back you up if you defend yourself. 100%

Adrian: Okay, so did you beat her butt?

Mary: No, Adrian. I beat her ASS into the Westborough concrete.

(I kid, I kid!)

I walked into class. She was there. It was on. Let's do some snapping and you can be a Shark because I clearly am a Jet. She passed the homework back and whispered something about beating me up today. Then laughed mockingly at what she probably assumed was my fear. Then she looked at my face. Mary's fear is gone, Oh Shallow Ghetto School Skipper.

I looked like I was from Compton at that moment.

"Do it, Alicia. Let's do it today. You've been saying this for weeks and I clearly can't convince you otherwise. So punch me. And then I swear to God, I will BEAT your ASS."

....And she never talked to me again. She never showed up for class and I never heard anything from her friends.

 That's what my Dad knew. He knew if he only gave me the confidence to stand up to her that she would never actually hit me. I took away her power.

So the moral of the story is:  Be a good puncher but never actually do it. 

Adrian: Okay, let me punch your hand.

Mary: Good! Do it as hard as you can.

He punched me and it hurt. Really bad. I thought that was something you could do with your kids and it didn't hurt. I was wrong. That shit hurt real bad. So he's good to face all the bullies off the hard streets of Edmond, Oklahoma.

Thanks, Dad!

Three fighters, warming up for our next scuffle