Wednesday, May 14, 2014

European Opinions (One from last June I never posted)

This was one I had in my drafts  from June but never posted.  I think I stopped being angry, but this obviously needs to be read.

Here's a few updates before I tell a story:

1. I had unprotected sex and made a fetus! Yay!

2. Yeah, that's really it. I've gained 14 lbs? Is that an update?

I have to tell you about a fight I got in with a girl on Facebook. I try REALLY hard not to fight on Facebook, or in real life, but my personality is one big  paradox. I have all these strong and stubborn opinions, but I don't like to fight or argue...or really...make anyone feel like they're wrong. I just want everyone to know they're wrong when they're wrong, or I want them to stop being detectable to any of my senses.

Here was her status:

I MAY have taken this a little personally. And since I care WAY too much about what people think, I immediately felt the need to tell this hater, she was WRONG.

This was one of her follow up comments.

Then I opened my mouth:

So that is basically the gist of it. She went on to say she got some hot European D when she was there, and if she has kids with him, they'll be awesome and she won't GAF about things like teeth and walking. I went to bed angry. I am not even friends with this girl and she got zero likes on her status, so I know that a lot of people don't agree. But just in case you is a reason why my kids make me a much less sucky person.

 We were in the car, laughing about my being demanding about something, when Mat asks me if he can have his testicles back out of my purse. I giggled and forgot about. About 10 minutes later as we are getting out of the car, Ellis asks Mat, "Did you find them, Daddy"?

 "Find what, honey?"

 "Your testicles?"

Good luck getting to laugh your ass off for an hour because your cat said the word testicles with perfect diction.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Twitter Futures and Vagina Faces

I'm sorry I am a few days behind.

I don't even have time to write a long post because I am trying to TTFU.

But I had to share something amazing Adrian said tonight.

"I wish I could follow 32 year old me on Twitter and see what I'll be up to".

What nine year old even thinks of something like that? I think he was just hoping to have a hot wife, since getting a wife is alllllllllllllll he thinks about. Does anyone remember  in like 2010 when he asked if he could just marry his sister if he couldn't find a wife?

You're 9! Your biological clock should not be ready to throw in the towel and settle for inter-family relations.


Somehow, when he played for OU he seemed so calm and confident. Now that he plays for the Clippers, against the Thunder, he can die in a ginger fire!!!!!!!! Just because you don't change your face when you do something completely jicky and shitty, doesn't mean you're not doing something completely jicky and shitty!

Oh Oh OH look at me. I'm so calm and cool while I'm KICKING WESTBROOK IN THE KNEE. I remember when I wanted to hug him when I saw him at Cheesecake Factory. Now I just want him to get stung by bees and to always have a nosebleed. Like a permableed.  Like he has the last two games. Because his face is a vagina! Such a vagina face.

One more note. Look at my cute sweet sleepy baby! She doesn't make anyone want to start a ginger fire! 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Because everyone else is doing it...

My favorite part of being Mom to this little ball of chubby love is the pure joy that she pours out every day. 

I know for a fact that Adrian wasn't anything close to this happy as a baby. Ellis was a pretty happy baby, but I don't remember her smiles being this humongous and frequent. Everyone around her comments how happy and easygoing she is. 

She loves: 

Adrian and Ellis giving her their undivided attention
Her package of wipes
Chewing and throwing up on the side of her Bumbo Chair
People saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" in an obnoxiously happy voice
Sophie the giraffe
My singing

She doesn't like:

Having her nose wiped
Staying up past 7:50
My dancing
The drive from daycare to home

This little girl:

My favorite part of being Ellis's Mom is her sense of humor. A lot of kids don't have the ability to laugh at themselves. She can fall, fart, say something really embarrassing, dance, and she can make everyone laugh and laugh along with them herself. It makes her very fun to be around, even though her brutal honesty can sting sometimes. 

She loves:

Everything girly
Time with daddy
Daddy's attention
The musical, "Annie 
A dance where she slaps her ass while doing a squat

She doesn't like: 

Daddy holding My hand
Daddy kissing me
Daddy giving anyone else attention
The time from daycare to home that Adrian monopolizes the conversation
My cooking 
Having her hair brushed
Bedtime without 5 minutes of Tv
"I don't think so" 

The best part of being this little guy's mom is the kindness that he gives to everyone. He cried in my car a few days ago because he felt bad for saying a cuss word at a kid that had called me a bad word. He wanted to not be in trouble since "that kid had it coming". He has a very strong sense of right and wrong, despite having extremely different upbringings on each side of his family. 

He likes:

Bossing Ellis around 
Holding Collins
Ariana Grande
"Working out" 
All things basketball
Sam and Cat (because Ariana Grande)
All of his grandparents
His teacher

He doesn't like:

His emotions that are flying out of nowhere
The musical, "Annie" 
When Collins cries
When Ellis monopolizes the conversation in the car
The movie Frozen
Cleaning the spiders out of the tornado shelter
Putting away his clothes
Anyone disagreeing with his opinion

I know a lot of people think they love their kids, but I like, really do. 

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Oh, hey!

I just made a s'mores in the microwave. By myself. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

Financial Peace Or Kendra Scott?

I was wrapping Collins up for bed when I started thinking about money. 

I worry about people asking me why I would take a position that requires some Travel when I have 3 kiddos that need me. There is that Mom guilt that stabs you in the gut and makes you want hot dogs covered in cream cheese. 

My answer is, that I want to make money! I want to further my career because I want to make more money. I love money so much. I like spending it, taking it out of the ATM, stuffing it in different pockets of my purse to give me mini treasure hunts. 

Then I started to do the sneaky hate spiral where I question my entire personality. I decide at that moment that I want to do that Dave Ramsey thing that everyone loves so much. I bet those people have so much money! So I googled it to get started. 

This is the first thing I saw. 

But I love stuff. Specifically earrings, purses, fancy glass bottles of water from Switzerland, lip gloss, and baby formula. One of those might not fit in with the others, but damn that baby bill hits me hard every month. 

Well that's okay, I'll just skip the first step and do the rest of them. 

I kept scrolling and I had to pass by 3 or 12 of them until I got to one I liked. 

Which is totally why I paid Adrian $5 to hang up all my laundry last week! He did a pretty bang-up job. 

He's so cute, though. 

While I was scrolling through my pics to find that one I found these adorable purses that I want. 

Embrace stuffitis. Having nothing is not worth working for. 

If Tory Burch and Dave Ramsey were fighting gladiator- style, she'd definitely rip out all of his leg hairs one by one, while a bunch of well-accesorised bitches cheered her on from the sideline. 


Wednesday, May 7, 2014

May 6thness

I am just so excited about my new job. I keep getting lady boners at words like "expense reports" and "rental car". 

I have a few big deals in my pipeline in Alaska and Seattle. I have decided to visit Seattle first and please feel free to make fun of me all you want that I searched for "hotels in Seattle near poutine restaurants" 

In case you don't know, Poutine is an AMAZING dish my Canadian family members have mastered. It has fries with brown gravy and mozzarella cheese curds. Washington is SO CLOSE to Canada that they MUST have a poutine restaurant.  The fancy places add a bunch of other stuff but it is legitimately the best thing I've ever eaten. Followed by perogies. Followed by my lunch today. 

Let me tell you about this shit. 

We drove past a restaurant called Mutts amazing hot dogs. Hot dogs are my favorite food group! It was meant to happen, let's go. 

A bacon wrapped hot dog 
drenched in brown sugar aeoli
With pineapple cayenne pepper CREAM CHEESE 
topped with fried jalapeños and fried onions. I just. I can't even. Look at the pic. Who wants to go on Thursday? I need it again immediately. 

How did this blog start about my traveling and end about food? I'm hungry. 

Yeah those fries were made in duck fart and tossed in truffle oil and Parmesan cheese. I just noticed that said fart up there instead of fat and I'm just gonna go ahead and leave it. Til tomorrow! 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Kuuummbbbaaayyyyyaaa, My Lord.

One night I came to Mat's house (before we lived together) to stay the night after a night out with friends. I was feeling particularly lovey; sometimes alcohol can do that to you. I lived right down the street from him, so I would frequently just walk down to his house after I got dropped off, and bang my face against his front door until he answered.

That night, I could tell he wasn't really that happy to see me. Probably because it was 2:17 AM and he had to work at 8 am the next morning. But really I wasn't thinking about him, I was on a mission for some lovin and I was going to get it.

He opened the door, barely mumbled a hi, patted me on the back of the arm and walked back to his room. I took off my shoes, made some sexual innuendos, laughed, and grabbed a bottled water. Some time between the shoes and the innuendos he was already back in bed with the fan on, snoring.

Ah hell no.

I went in and shook him.

Me: Hey I love youuuuuuuuuuuu. Get up, silly. Hey hey hey.

Mat: (muffled by pillow and sleep) luh yu too. (minimal effort exerted)

Me: (I shove his shoulder to where he is laying on his back and curl up on his shoulder) You know, my life has really just gotten existentially better since you've been a part of it. HEY WAKE UP. Anyways, I can remember a year ago you know how unhappy and lost I was and. God. I just love you so much. (tears)

Mat: (minimal effort arm rub) (snoring)

Me: BABY! wake up. Gah so anyways I was out at Cock o the walk and I was moonwalking and trying to be the center of attention and then I realized you know where I wanted to be? RIGHT HERE WITH YOU. Do you want something to eat? I could go make us something. (tears) GAH I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

Mat: ..........

Me: We really have a future, you know? We're going to be so happy, especially if you wake up and talk to me. I feel like you just want me to shut up so you can go to sleep.

Mat: Okay, Baby.

Me: You make me laugh so much and I love the way you dig in the backyard and made that new fence so level, it's just so sexy to me. (giggle giggle) I might have to throw up soon. Is that okay? (tears) I love you so much.

Mat suddenly sprang awake and sat forward. He looked over at me, while I stared back waiting to be either complimented or ravished. He leaned over and grabbed both sides of my face while caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.

"I love you so much. So much. I feel the exact same way you do, with everything you just said. But seriously, Mary, I have to work in the morning, and I don't think this conversation is going to go anywhere close to how you want it to go. This is not going to end with us sitting cross legged on the floor,  holding hands and singing Kumbaya, okay? Go to sleep."

I suddenly realized that that was exactly what I wanted, and how did he know that? And then I went to bed mad, but laughed until I cried the next morning when I thought about his choice of words at his breaking point.

Now, 7 years and 2 kids later,  I know when I am acting like a cling on-sheet, because he'll simply say "we're not holding hands and singing kumbaya".

I always get the message.

I was so blonde during the cling-on years!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

It's kind of May 3rd..?

Wah wah wah it's so hard to write every day. 

I had every intention of writing last night but I got a teeny bit too celebratory and tried to show off what a huge Thunder fan I was by drinking vodka until I stopped making awesome decisions. 

Thankfully most of these bad decisions were limited to mouthing off to husband with one t, who would just laugh at me and ask me to repeat myself so he could then laugh some more. 

Thankfully I was able to get a waffle, some retail therapy, and a good hair day to cure my morning regret. Adrian stepped up to rock Collins to sleep,  which makes me feel like I am not a complete failure of a parent. Isn't he sweet? 

Also, he looked really cool when we left for hangover brunch today. Isn't he the cutest? 

The kids also decided today that they needed a swimming pool, so they decided to make a Bangladesh-Style swimming pool in the backyard. 

Here's another really cute pic of him and Ellis at the park yesterday. 

Go Thunder! It's their vault I had vodka times three. Here's a text I sent Kendal last night. Enjoy and I'll see you tomorrow! 

Friday, May 2, 2014

S'mores and Rabbit killin

My crazy quarter at work has finally come to an end. I started 3 weeks late because  of baby makin, havin, and raisin. But I managed to still hit my quota and then some. It really is kind of sad that I get so much self worth from a silly number. 

We got to leave a little early today and I was racking my brain to think of something to do for a few hours without kids. I could literally think of nothing, so I picked up my kids 2 hours early. It was the longest evening ever! I don't know how stay at home moms don't drink themselves to death. Especially since I let them stay up late while we waited for Mat to get home because he was bringing s'mores and hot dog stuff for us to roast on our fire! I've never really been a huge fan of summer, I hate the heat and anyone who doesn't doesn't have to go to work in non slutty work clothes Monday through Friday! But this gave me a glimpse of how fun our lives will be in our new home that I love so much. 

Quote of the night by Ellis. 

"Hi Mama, we're trying to find some rabbits to KILL" 

Thursday, May 1, 2014


The reason I didn't post is because it is end of quarter at my work and I have 3 pieces of good news!

1. I hit 106% of my quota! That means I make money, which means I'll stop being depressed and emo on this blog and start being inappropriate and awesome again. At least until the end of next quarter, when I will start wearing charcoal eyeliner and thinking the world hates me.

2. We had a really fun end of quarter party last night. They gave us two drink tickets that said "Champions drink responsibly" and the 2nd piece of good news is that I am a CHAMPION!

3. I got a promotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Exclamation point!  I now have a better account set, along with the added bonus of being able to visit my customers twice a quarter! My territory is Washington, Oregon, and Minnesota so I'm pretty much gonna be a world traveler, slanging financing and friendship.

Another piece of sad news is that I couldn't keep my Facebook account deactivated, but I PROMISE I am not looking at it. I just realized last night that I couldn't order pizza from Marcos without making a new account, since it was previously linked to my Facebook account. That was just too much work for me, so I went ahead and logged back in. Pizza is just too good to have to enter in my address , phone number, and cc info.


Somebunny didn't post last night!

Okay, I know all 5 of you are really upset that I missed a night last night. But I will post two posts tonight to make up for it. So, this is one. Here's a picture of a really cute bunny.