Sunday, August 24, 2014

Sheep's Milk, Soy, and Hazelnuts

I was sexy enough to get a promotion back in May that allows me to travel to my territory. I was also lucky enough to get a new territory that includes Washington, Oregon, Alaska, and Minnesota! I went to Seattle in May and now I ventured out to Portland, Oregon. I am hoping to hit up Minnesota in the winter and maybe Portland again by the end of the year. 

This post has a lot of pictures, so I will try to keep the words short. But basically, I love the absolute shitake mushrooms out of Portland. 

My first night there I took some customers out to dinner and drinks in the Pearl district. We went to a bar called Tilt, and got some tator tots (on the right). And these weren't some sad cubed potatoes like you got in the lunch line in elementary school. These stupid things were stuffed with bacon, jalapenos, blue cheese, and hipness. 

OH yes, and on the left was sausage gravy and bacon covered fries. 

This was a drink I ordered and subsequently drank. 

One of the things I love about Portland is the ability for a store to have the most random shit in the world, in a building that's not really that nice but really cool, and it can still thrive. I didn't get to go to this place because it closed while I was drinking the above drink. 

This customer was so nice, she wanted to ride the subway back with me to my hotel and show me some fun stuff on the way. I don't even care if she buys anything, now (JK Ashley!). She asked if I wanted to go to Nike (her brother is an exec there) and got me, like, 50% off everything! I may or may not have bought some stuff. 

She took me to a bar called Departure, which is a rooftop bar really close to my hotel. The views were grand but my business suit was not that happening. I was definitely not the cool kid on the playground. 

The next day was a rough one for me. I had a bunch of customer visits scheduled and got into a fight with my husband before I left. I know everything looks fun and perfect on FB, instagram, and twitter.  But sometimes it isn't and that's life and you still have to go sell stuff. 

I was taking notes at a meeting and I put a bird on it. Kelsey says I can now sell those notes on Etsy for $45. 

When I finished all my visits that day at around 4:30, I made it over to Voodoo Doughnut. They really were worth the hype but I REALLLLLY wanted one of those pink boxes. I couldn't bring myself to order 12 doughnuts, though, Because, you know, I would've eaten them up with my mouth. Like, right away. 

That bacon was life-changing. 

After my doughnuts digested, at like 10 pm, I went ahead and ordered some dinner and a bottle of local wine and watched Portlandia while I planned my scenic trip for the next day (Saturday). 

Why did I buy a bottle of wine? 

Like, why didn't I just get a glass? 

Remember, I was fighting with my husband and missing my kids. So I thought opening my window and sticking out my feet, while listening to Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros (Thank you Skye!) and drinking my wine was the best course of action for the night. 

I had plans to meet my friend from high school, Alicia. We were in a few plays together and she even witnessed one of the times I yelled things at a person that were so mean- I had to find that person on FB 10 years later to apologize. Ugh, that one stills guilts the feelings. It hurts so bad that I just made the word guilt into a present-tense verb. 

She saw I was sad on FB and was like, "Hey I live in Portland. Let me make your life a little better with some friendship and you can snuggle my baby." And snuggle I did! His name is Soren, and he loved me. He even cried when I left. I probably should've taken a pic with Alicia, too, but her baby overshadowed her when it came to my attention. :) Babies always do that. 

After coffee, she took me for a drive up a volcano! It was just gorgeous. 

Let me stop there. 

Everything I saw today was pretty. So pretty that I am going to run out of different words to use to describe pretty, and they are going to get really creative. I hate using words redundantly. 

After she drove me around and showed me some neighborhoods and sites and gave me a fun tour, she brought me back to my car. I wasn't feeling great and I didn't know why. I know I drank a bunch of solo pathetic wine last night, but surely I'd feel sick before now, right? 

Wrong. I got to my car and tried to shake off the feeling of utter and horrible disrespect of myself and my ability to party. I drove to a gas station and got a liter of water and a bottle of advil. I knew that wasn't going to be enough. My scenic adventure I had planned out was just going to be able to happen. 

I hauled ass back to my hotel, and didn't even take the keys out of my car when I handed it off to Valet. He was surprised to see me back and mentioned he thought I would be gone all day? I yelled that I was hungover and needed to die for a few hours. He got it.

I ran up to my hotel room and dropped my bag on the bathroom floor and puked out all the wine I had drank last night. Which was 3 glasses,  tops. It tasted like fermented horse's urine. I just didn't understand what the universe was doing to me after I gave the hot girl on 4th and Broadway a $5 bill because her sign asked for it. 

Then I cranked my AC down to 60 degrees and slept away my bad decisions for 3 hours. Then I woke up and felt awesome! Brushed my teeth and poured out the remaining wine and was ready for my drive. 

I was heading to Multnomah Falls, but took the scenic drive. I passed by this adorable street vendor, and had to stop. I guess you just put some money in the white box to get some blueberries. So I did, I have no idea if what I gave was sufficient or exorbitant, but if someone tells me to shove money in a box I just do it and don't look back. Then I got awkward about whether or not I was supposed to take the blueberries or wait for someone to talk to me about taking the blueberries. So I stood to the side, like, in the spot where someone might say "Oh hi, did you need something?" but no one did. So I walked back to my car, and acted like I didn't even want the blueberries to begin with. 

But, I mean, look at those ladies. They were clearly really busy.

Then I got to , in my opinion,  the most alluring part of my drive.

I made that picture really BIG because it was so stunning.


I made that one really small, because ew, Mary. Sometimes the sun hits my face wrong and I end up looking like I soaked my nose in yeast and then let it rise in a moist place for the day before I popped it in the oven. 

In an unimportant note from this alluring picture, I tried to find that house in the upper right. I bet socially awkward people live there. It might even be the blueberry vendor. 

These were taken from the Vista House. I loved the Vista House! I know it has some historical significance, but really just look at this attractive view. 

Also,I got really hot when I was the Vista House. I was wearing a thin 3/4 sleeve hoodie and was sweating buckets. I took it off and tied it around my waist, and my neon pink sportsbra was peeking out under my black tank top (which was a fancy black tank top because that's all I brought). Normally I would never be caught dead in so many conflicting styles. But in Portland, young people rule, I set my own style rules and everyone will think I'm awesome. Bringing back tying shit around your waist. Just wait. 

Collins called me while I was driving. I pulled over to chat with her. Miss her so much. 


My next stop was Hood River! I really loved this little toy shop I saw while I was looking for somewhere to eat. 

I didn't mean to take this picture but thought I would post it because it signifies my loneliness, yet  shows the strength I mustered to rise above it and make the best of my life. Also, I look really skinny and tall. Yolo. 

I found a little pub that served food and had a patio full of people that looked like they might want to let me pet their dogs and perhaps hang out with them for the rest of the evening. It was only 4 pm and I needed some friends. 

I met these guys. They bought me a mojito that I really had to choke down because remember the puking thing from earlier. I hoped they had wives that were coming to meet them that may want to go to a bead shop or something with me. I can't drink for recreation. 

I ordered some nachos and they were delicious and cheap! Then , she happened. 

She was foreign and really enjoyed stretching and not wearing any under eye concealer. Just a small observation. She asked me if she could have a bite of my nachos, and I didn't know if that was something we do in Portland so I was like uh yeah sure. They were NACHOS. Not really something you can delicately take off a plate, she grabbed a hunk that was extra stretchy and I put a chunk of pork that had fallen off back on to the chip she was about to put into her mouth. I then loudly made a joke on the patio, trying to impress some future friends, "Do you want my drink too? What about my chair?" 

Well we all just laughed. 

I wasn't able to make it to Multnomah falls on my way to Hood River. The exit was closed because the parking lot was full. But by this time, on my way back,  the Portlanders were all rushing back to the city to put on their skinny jeans and listen to bands you don't know. Nature is out of style, after 5:30. 

I was an emotional wreck on the way to the Falls. It was just so incredibly beautiful and moving, driving along that river. I was scream sing crying at the top of my lungs, going 20 under the speed limit and pounding on my steering wheel with the windows down and the perfect Oregon air blowing my hair and drying my tears.  My friends gave me some great music ideas for my playlist, and the one that got me the most was "One Less Bell to Answer" by Barbara Streisand. Not the best song to listen to when you're trying to purge your fight with husband out of your mind and focus on mountains and cedars and other non-shitty things. But whatevs, it helped to get it all out there. 

A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sitting there. 

The song that really bounced me back was Grace Kelly, by Mika. Listen to it, if you're sad. 

Why don't you like me, why don't you like me, why don't you walk out the door. 

I made it to the falls. And it blasted my life on track. (Along with "I Wonder" by Chris Isaak)

They even had a nice little snack bar set up. 

I didn't want to walk up any further, but I had to. Look at it. 

So that's it. The walk up and down the falls really did improve my mood greatly.

There was even a little red haired girl who asked me "What is a waterfall from?"

I responded profoundly with "You know it's when water kind of falls of a cliff because it doesn't have anywhere go.... ....
.... Maybe your mom can google it"

The driving and walking and music improved my outlook and I was able to have a pretty civil conversation with my husband. A nice long drive really is good for that, especially if you love to drank and sang LOUDLY and with every piece of your body.

Headed to Seattle tomorrow, but it will all be business in Seattle- don't expect anything pretty or funny.

(P.s. Does anyone get the title of this blog?) I love you all.